Interviewer: Good evening everyone, today I have been given the pleasure of interviewing Anxiety. Anxiety, thanks for joining us, how are you?
Anxiety: You know, that was a really rubbish introduction. I hope not all your interviews start as lamely as this.
Interviewer: Um… that’s not very nice. But anyway, tell us, what are you up to these days?
Anxiety: You should also sit up, slouching like that your stomach looks really awful, it’s poking out like a sack of potatoes. You should suck your stomach in or the whole camera crew will start talking about you behind your back. Also your suit is really ugly. Then again, I don’t think you could wear anything that would make you look good.
Interviewer: What are you talking about? I don’t know whether I want to continue interviewing you… You’re quite critical, you know that?
Anxiety: Well DUH. Took you long enough. You’re pretty slow and dumb for your age.
Interviewer: I think that’s enough for today. Um, thanks for your time, please don’t come back.
Anxiety: Lol you think you can get rid of me just like that? Gosh you’re an idiot.
Interviewer: What do you mean? Please leave now!!
Anxiety: I can’t. Doofus. You have a weird voice. Have you ever realised that?
Interview: Please go, you’re making me feel really uncomfortable.
Anxiety: Ha, you think this is uncomfortable? Just you wait. *gets up and randomly sits on interviewers’ chest, squishing them.* How does that feel?
Interviewer: Argh, I can barely breathe with you here. Also you’re kind of heavy and my chest is almost hurting from your weight. Get off and go!
Anxiety: You listen to me. I am a parasite. You can’t get rid of me that easily. No one can, no matter how much they want to.
Interviewer: This interview is turning out more… negative than I expected.
Anxiety: What did you expect, dumbo? I am perfectably capable of being a debilitating disorder. I am not just a phase or a passing thought.
Interviewer: Do you mean to say that there are people have to put up with you constantly?
Anxiety: Yep, lots of people. I can make you feel worried, scared and nauseous about everything and nothing. Sometimes just a little bit, and sometimes a whole lot. I can make you feel like a ticking bomb. You’re lucky, you ungrateful human interviewer, because you are just meeting me in fleeting. Imagine putting up with me every second of every day.
Interviewer: I don’t think I want to. Why do you exist then, if you just make people miserable, tense and criticize them all the time?
Anxiety: Some chemical imbalance in the brain or something, sometimes a response to trauma, or sometimes just for the lols because the person already has a head full of worries and it’s amusing to make it worse.
Interviewer: Ugh… How can someone get rid of you then?
Anxiety: People try all sorts of things! I admire their creativity, but of course I would never tell them that. I will just remind them that they a failure for something-or-rather, anything I can find. Some people take medication, which makes me sleepy, but most of the time I’m still there, throwing a party in their stomach. Or lungs. Or head. Or bowels. With really loud doof-doof music they can’t ignore. Some people resort to behaviours or addictions, to get rid of me for a few minutes. These ways are easy and quick, but end up making me stronger!
Interviewer: Oh no!
Anxiety: Oh yes! Of course, there are ways to get rid of me fully, but that takes time, bravery, practice, resilience and lots of effort. Once someone knows how to deal with me, I eventually give them a bit of space. Although, now and then, if someone has fought me off almost completely, I’ll come back some months or years later down the road, give them a little fright, throw them a surprise party. But they are able to throw me off soon enough.
Interviewer: You seem to like parties…
Anxiety: Oh yeah! I love all the chaos and noise. It’s so fun to make people terrified.
Interviewer: Don’t you ever just go away one day?
Anxiety: Not really. I much prefer to argue with someone. I’ll make you feel worthless, and it’s your job to shout back at me that no, you’re not worthless, you’re valuable and loved. Keep arguing back at me, proving me wrong, and then we’ll see.
Interviewer: I feel sorry for those that have to live with you. People must be really strong to deal with you.
Anxiety: And you’re a weak sissy. But yeah, putting up with me is a 24/7 job with no holidays or leave. I tell them that they are weak, but I must admit, anyone who puts up with me is pretty resilient. They just need to know how and keep at it.
Interviewer: Anyway, we are actually (finally!) out of time now. It wasn’t a pleasure to know you, I hope I never see you again.
Anxiety: Bye, loser. You never know. It can happen to anyone, anywhere. By the way, you’re a rubbish interviewer.
Interviewer: No I’m not. I think I did OK.
Anxiety: That’s the spirit.